so. well. here we are.

it's been a hell of a couple weeks, some good and some bad days. that's usually how it goes when the days start getting shorter and the demons get louder. not that they've actually been saying anything, they just settle in my bones. the anger is gone though, not that it'll stay gone.

i did something really stupid the monday before last. i think i technically had an anxiety attack. i wasn't thinking, i just couldn't sleep and couldn't get out from under my desk but i was close enough to open the drawers. and now i've been wearing my sweatshirts no matter how hot it still gets during the day. it was 80 degrees when i went to get food today! it's november for god's sake, let me have cool weather. jesus christ.

lex's halloween party was fun until it wasn't. i should have left earlier than i did, but at least i was there to help buffy when she got sick. i did seriously contemplate just leaving chris to drown in his own puke though. he has no self control and no concept of moderation or drinking ettiquite or why you should never get crossed ever especially if you've never smoked before but. well. at least lex let him sleep in the bathtub. he walked home in the morning and i had no sympathy for his grumbling. i'm not his mom, i don't have to explain to him why i was the only sober person at the party, i don't owe him shit except to puke on his shoes in revenge.

i had a dream i stuck my fingers down my throat last night. that's neither here nor there, i don't think. william regal was trying to arrest me for illegal possession of a firearm. i don't put much stock in dream interpretation

what else happened... i had a chemistry exam, which i'm waiting on the grade for. i don't want to say i feel good about it, but it didn't stump me too much. i was just very slow. i tend to be; i've slowed down considerably recently. typing, thinking, responding to messages. eating, sometimes. idk. i need to shower and go to the gym and make chris remember what the fuck a dishwasher is and how to use it. or i can not do those things

my music is getting louder and my thoughts are getting quieter but i already hit my Crazy Person Episode Limit of one per semester so i guess i just gotta keep that shit under wraps. i can do that, whatever, no biggie, right? right. christ i'm getting annoying and mopey again. i literally went out in all black and a beanie today, like some sort of babyface emo poser. i'm definitely not cool emough to pull off that look, and i think the whole " i can't fucking take it anymore" look stops working after four years... and to think this was going to be my year! laughable, honestly

that reminds me i found my voice recordings from last year around this time. i should have kept doing those but i think they would have begun to sound deranged around february so maybe it's good that i stopped after two weeks. i sound so much like todd howard it's embarassing. i need to fix that somehow

today my mom texted my siblings & i asking what we want for christmas because she doesn't have ideas. i've literally never had something to suggest since middle school... if i need something i'll buy it and if i want something i'll probably talk myself out of getting it. do i just send her a link to the mox shirt i've been looking at saying "this and food" ??? she doesn't even know i like wrestling! and my siblings are the same, plus they have salaries and shit so if they want something bad enough then they get it. we're all so bad at gifts. maybe i can ask for a coffee maker

i think i'm going shopping with angel tomorrow. she's somehow convinced me to go to the winter formal, which will be hilarious and probably mortifying, but i don't really care. it's sweet of her to offer to take me shopping and i'm looking forward to spending time with her. it's going to be bee's birthday, too, so maybe i can find her a little something while we're out. no idea what i would get but it's the thought that counts, right? plus only two more weeks and i'll be home for break! jesus, two weeks. i hope i get to see everyone.

except the extended family. harv and his dad can stay, but fuck the rest of em. christ

ever yours, slightly crazy
diesel